Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Another year, another Pride Parade. Somehow I can't help but feel disappointed. Not by the Parade, mind you -- that was great -- but by myself. Because I've failed.
Failed to reach out in a greater way to the community. While others were doing meaningful work, I comforted myself by telling myself that I was doing meaningful work because I was part of UofT's Sexual Education Centre. I love the Sexual Education Centre, and I do believe I do meaningful work there (I wouldn't be in it otherwise) but it's a small University organization, and its reach is ultimately limited.
Watching the others march in the parade, I screamed at the top of my lungs and cheered with as much spirit as I could muster, but inside felt lonely and dispirited. Because in a way I haven't accomplished shit. I am so afraid of being an activist, so afraid somehow of reaching out to people and trying to understand people who are different from myself. In Lit Theory I worked hard to understand queer theory and read feminist texts, and I agree with much of the theory, but I don't have the courage to join an activist group. I don't have the courage to go to the meet ups of any other LGBT groups, either. Why, why, why. Is it because I am
shy? I've tried to mitigate my social anxiety; I've even seen a therapist! It's still difficult. I want to volunteer for an LGBT organization, but I keep finding myself set back.
Going to Pride this year I saw another way in which I haven't done shit. I met several gay writers at Glad Day Bookshop, and read many articles written in OutLooks or fab or IN magazine or xtra by people who are most likely gay and/or queer. I want to write more, but now that I'm out of school I see that my output has been most pitiful. I don't really even have a portfolio, and all I've written is informal posts answering high school students' questions. I've failed; I have no discipline -- having written nothing for the last two months except for cover letters -- and I have lost any semblance of control over language I once had. In summary, I not only haven't done shit, I haven't written shit.
I think I want to volunteer. To be honest, I don't know if it's the best way for me to actually do something meaningful for the world but maybe there's nothing to lose (except time, except I feel like I have that in reserve right now) so I might as well
try. I am still going to apply for Youthline and ACT, but I am nervous. But I will, I will. And God I swear to you that by next week I will have written something, I will, I will not have written shit; I will write even if it's shit.