Sinking too Far

I just finished The Color Purple by Alice Walker, and I must say that it is a lovely and poignant book.

Upon reading Alice Walker's wikipedia page, though, I discovered that she had a daughter, Rebecca, with whom she'd become estranged with. The reason they'd become estranged with each other was, according to her daughter, was because Alice had put all her energy into helping Africa, and going to feminist meetings - so she ended up neglecting her daughter. Upon learning that her daughter had made her feelings about her uprising public, Alice resigned from the role of being a mother.

From The Times:

Walker had also joined the early feminist movement — Gloria Steinem is Rebecca’s godmother — and it was her politics, more than anything, that shaped mother-daughter relations. The so-called “first wave” feminists believed that housework was another form of slavery and that women did not have an innate need to nurture but had been conditioned into their subordinate role as wives and mothers through centuries of patriarchy.

“My mother is very ideologically based, and her ideology is much more important in many ways than her personal relationships,” says Rebecca.

When Rebecca became pregnant at 14, Walker wasn’t shocked: she calmly picked up the phone and arranged an abortion. “Her feminist thing was about empowering me to have an active sexuality and to be in control of my body, and that trumped any sense of boundaries,” Rebecca says.

Certainly, Walker believed that what she was doing was right. Leaving her teenaged daughter to “do her own thing” was a way of fostering Rebecca’s independence and avoiding inadvertently passing down patriarchal values.

[...] Towards the end of senior school, an ecstatic Rebecca showed Walker her offer letter from Yale. Instead of celebrating her daughter’s success in landing a place at one of the world’s top universities, Walker asked her coolly why she wanted to go to a bastion of male privilege.

Today, her daughter is a third-wave feminist. She has a son and writes often about the joy of motherhood.

When I discovered this, I felt afraid. Am I an ideologically based person as well? As a student of the sciences, I have often pondered whether science's emphasis on rationality was beneficial. I have sometimes thought that this emphasis on rationality restricts creativity and the development of new ideas. As well, I'm starting to believe in some opinions that could be considered radical. For example, I believe that right now, our society is still very sexually repressed, and I would like to break the taboo on speaking about it it. Also, I believe that right now, our education system is deeply flawed...

I have maintained that it is important to question what is currently assumed in society. But will the things I think and say form barriers between my friends/family and myself? Now I am afraid that, by actively pursuing my ideal world, I will drive them away. My mom, for one, doesn't really understand my obsession with talking about sex.

I am glad I am reading more these days, because I've had new thoughts - thoughts and opinions that I never had before. But I've noticed that I use books as a form of escape. I read when I feel lonely, and want to avoid dwelling on negative emotions and thoughts. The thing is: the lines between reality and fantasy are not always clear. I often apply an author or character's opinions to my own everyday life. How would I know to stop? How would I know when I've sunk too far, into fantasy?

Finally, this article also scares me because I do not know whether or not I have what it takes to be a parent. I am afraid that my "hippie" ways of thinking will somehow ruin my children's lives, if I do have any. I am proud of my sexuality, but sometimes I am somehow afraid that being gay makes me inadequate to be a parent.