Lesson

I didn't make DragonBoat. It's a good thing because because I think, truthfully, either way I wouldn't have cared very much. I say this not because I am bitter from not making the team; rather, it's because I've been rejected from the team that I can see more clearly now. Trying to mold myself into a part of this team has cost me.

I have lost time, and also I have lost myself. Recently Andrew made me realize I've become rather complacent regarding queer issues and goals I used to be focused on. And he's right. Rather than continue the fight against sexual discrimination as I'd been doing, I've been avoiding those issues because I didn't think other people of the team wanted to talk about them. Rather than presenting myself as a confident gay man unwilling to compromise issues important to him - as in the past - I've crumbled, and compromised.

Are athletics really that important to me? Not really. I have felt more fit in the last few months - but that's it. At the end of the day does my body, my already-fine health matter in the grand scheme of things?

And at the end of the day, does making friends matter to me? If there's one thing I've learned, it is that my duty on Earth is not primarily to make friends. It is not my duty on Earth to work in a team. I think I have been and will always be an independent thinker and someone who lives by my own principles and visions. In fact I'm a loner. But I think that's wholly natural. Working on a team bends these principles and skews these visions and while teamwork is a valuable skill to have, perhaps it is a skill better left to other people. That is not to say I don't need friends, because when I meet people I do click with I love those relationships.

And that is not to say I don't enjoy meeting people. But often a casual acquaintance is enough - enough for a lifetime.

Dearest, I have lost much, and have gained in place not enough.

History of Sex Class

I just attended my last class, History of Sexuality. It was so awesome.

Here's a survey of the words that came up in the class at least once: fucking, sucking, shooting his load, ejaculating, cum, porn, vagina, arousal, breasts, kink, fetish, foot fetish, masochism (mm, hot), fantasy, masturbation, gonads (lol), libido, perversion, power exchange, incest, monogamy, autoeroticism, voyeurism, stripping, barebacking, etc.

In other words, this is my type of course. Besides, we're reading Lesbian smut in class as a text. LESBIAN SMUT! I'm gay, but still. SMUT!

The prof is hilarious, young, cute, and an engaging speaker. Here are rough quotes:

"The McGuinty government canceled their newly proposed sex ed curriculum because people were afraid that two-year olds were going to turn into kinderwhores."

"Cultural norms often dictate what legitimate sex is. A couple can talk to their grandparents or any random person and say 'We're trying to have a baby', which explicitly means that they are having unprotected sex, and the man is putting his penis inside her vagina, entering her, ejaculating in her, whatever, and their act will be seen as a wonderful and beautiful thing. If a man tells the same someone that his boyfriend slept over last night, that person might already say 'Too much information'. Not to mention that if they had unprotected anal sex, people would frown down on it and call it 'barebacking'."

The Prof then started a bit of the course material, which was about Freud. Freud argued that when children are potty-trained, they are TAUGHT shame and humiliation, and learn how to repress their desires. They learn that civilization is based on repressing and without holding pleasure. Or, in my Prof's words, "Children are not born with shame. Children shit when they're in a room with 10 other people and then they laugh about it."

This is interesting, because I feel like our society is so governed by shame at the moment. My friends always tell me to be fearless, but I'd go one step further than that. Be shameless. Don't be ashamed of anything you are, feel, do, or think. Don't be ashamed of your body, voice, movements. Don't be ashamed of your desires, no matter what they are. (Of course, I wouldn't go as far as shitting in the lecture hall or something, but you know what I mean.) Shame is taught. We can sever most of our ties with it, everyone.

Honestly, the most refreshing lecture I have sat in in a while.

I forgot to mention though, today I had many "facepalm moments".

First of all, the guy I sat beside in poetry started telling me about poetic terms. Oh, please. I do not care that you were from an IB program. Don't tell me about how much you studied over the summer. Do you have hobbies and a life?

Also, in Quantum Mech I had the biggest facepalm moment ever. The course has one tutorial and you either sign up for the 2 pm or 3 pm session, but some people had conflicts. The Prof said, "Who has conflicts with a tutorial session at both 2 pm and 3 pm? Would you still have a conflict if I added a tutorial session at 4 pm?" A guy raised his hand and said "Sir, I would have a conflict but I can still make the 3 pm session."

...Whoever thought physics majors were smarter than English majors in general obviously didn't know very many physics majors.

Afterwards, went to the TBA audition, which was horrible. Let's not talk about it. However, around the audition area there was this cute guy from UTM, first-year commerce; his name was Charles, he was wearing a red cap, T-shirt and shorts, think he was from Hong Kong. He was cute and he had these beautiful shoulders. No, I'm serious. He was skinny but his shoulders were angular and they just looked really nice. Wish I asked for his number, or Facebook. Hope he never reads this though.

EDIT: Apparently, this post led to my blog being blocked from access at the Physics computer labs...

First Day of School

I know I shouldn't judge my classes/profs based on first impressions, but I will anyway. It's way too fun.

Partial Differential Equations - The prof had a small accent, but she still talked quite well and seems to be an engaging prof. Not much to say about this course, went through a bit of review ("What is a PDE?" etc.)

Classical Electrodynamics - The prof speaks fast but is actually... quite cute (though he is a young guy in physics, and for some reason I find a lot of young physicists quite cute). He spoke pretty quickly and ended the class thirty minutes early; I somehow feel that it might have been because he didn't really prepare for the first lecture. I mean, he could've easily started reviewing material from second year, or even just vector calculus. Still, looking forward to this class.

Biography and Autobiography - I actually enjoyed the first lecture quite a lot. The prof asked "Who are biographies written about?" and "Who are not written about?" which I found interesting. After some discussion in class we concluded that biographies are written about people who are somehow "different" and stand out (celebrities, political figures, artists), and/or valuable to society (or the opposite, e.g. murderers). Biographies are NOT written about the average working person. Why? Because 1) there is no market for it, since people aren't interested in reading the life of an average person, and 2) the average person's life is not really well-documented. She said that when approaching biographies, people unconsciously consider current cultural norms and social values. For some reason both these points kind of nagged at me. The class seems laid-back/easy, and the grading scheme kind of sketchy (got the easiest assignment ever; it's worth 5%), but it will be interesting to see what else she has to say during the year. I was thinking of replacing this course with Complex Analysis, but I'm leaning towards not replacing it now. But I'll wait until Wednesday, when I attend Complex Analysis, to decide.

Reading Poetry - The prof spoke quite slowly. She also said "the only kind of person who should be taking this course are English majors and specialists" which I felt was really biased. With people caring less about literature these days, she should be happy if people in other fields want to broaden their education. I'm sure the physics department would let anyone take their courses if they were interested. She also kept trying to tell the class how to learn, which was annoying. We're in University now; we either know how to study or ought to figure out ourselves how to study. The grading scheme seems kind of sketchy (20% for an in-class essay? Really? Is sketchiness a criterion for the grading schemes of English courses?), but getting to know more poetry is one of my goals, so I'm going to try to stick this course out and hopefully she won't drive me crazy. Hopefully the increased exposure to poetic forms and poems will be enlightening enough.

Quantum Mechanics - The Prof was like, scarily thin. He also rambled quite a bit and went off on random tangents. He taught quite slowly, yet by the end of the class Cassie and I were both confused. I hope this will turn out to be a good class, but so far all the other ones seem more engaging...

One more class to go; I'll edit it in here when I've attended it. So far, so good, considering my lost faith in education in general (what I have I actually learned in the last two years? Like, nothing...). All my classes seem pretty laid-back this year. I feel like I might even have a little too much free time. Maybe I could get a job again... but then I'd be so stressed.

Oh yeah, I also went to the Onoscatopeia (Hart House Jazz Choir) open rehearsal. We sang Billy Joel's "The Longest Time" and this song with weird harmonies called "Smile". It was really fun. For some reason when I sing in a choir I feel validated; I just feel like I'm part of a group and that I'm part of something greater. But I'd have to make the club to continue with the meetings. I don't know if I am good enough. I recorded myself singing and I didn't sound that good; plus, there are only 18-20 spaces so it's really competitive. I want to get in but realistically (I'm not being pessimistic, I'm usually optimistic!) I know I probably won't.